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Monday, October 20, 2008

dear diary,

why?

saturday was a good day because i learnt to come out of my shell again. i was in the company of amazing people. amazing fun. amazing laughter. i lost 2 matches in a row but i had fun. winning wasn't everything cos we had fun. there was something missing that day and i knew what it was. there was a sinking feeling the whole day but my friends made it all better. i lost a mahjong game but i didnt care cos i had fun. and i felt so proud of myself. i have taken the first step quite well. it was too good to end and we didn't sleep until the sun came up and we just collapsed. i think i remember the last thing i did before i slept was laugh. it was fun.

sunday started out a little grumpy from the lack of sleep. and the feeling of having something missing was stronger. i was supposed to travel back to the west to complete my work but i couldn't. i needed company. and i had them. my amazing friends. but something more was missing. they were mad at each other. and i was mad at myself cos i didn't do more. sunday became worse. but i tried to make it better. i walked around looking for a gift. and found it just before they closed the metal shutters on us. we had some cheap thrills of putting on ghoul masks. it was fun. but the feeling got stronger. something was wrong and the sinking feeling just wouldn't go away. and when we finally had to all go home, my heart sank. i felt sad over the news.

why do i feel like a part of it even though i'm not? i feel for you and you. and for myself. and you. i feel too much.

today started out badly. i woke up feeling tired. bad dreams plagued me the whole night. i tried to push them away from my heart. the sinking feeling seems to wanna be a permanent resident now. i knew i had to start on my work. i did. i worked like a robot. i churned out words quickly. i think i accomplished something today. but i did not have fun. and i got a good news. i felt happier. i didn't feel like i'm working like a robot anymore. but i talked to sad people and it made me sad. i feel sorry for what happened to them. and then. i got news that the good news is bad news afterall. i turned back into a robot.

there are some days you just wish for company. for someone or something or anything to brighten up that dreadful day when so many things are happening at the same time. and today is one of those days. yet. there's nobody. one by one i received sms-es that they're not going to class because they're rushing the same essays as i am. there was nobody to have lunch with. and they are not coming back for dinner either. i only ate one meal today. alone. the sinking feeling persisted. i wanted her to come badly. but she couldn't. its too bad. work calls.

i was being silly in the shower earlier thinking that maybe somebody will show up today as a surprise knowing that i'm not at my best.

and i know i was being silly because i just received a message at this instant that she's going to have a game of mahjong now.

it's just one of those days you feel like you need people around but there's no one. because suddenly everyone's sad and they need time alone. and you can't even help them feel better and you feel even more alone. and everyone's doing a piece of work that they're competing with you in terms of grades. but you feel like a robot churning out words.

it's one of those days. when nothing wants to go right.

but i have been trying to understand. i have.

anyone knows what's missing?
-cheryl
9:10 PM





Cheryl

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