i told carmen that i felt like i'm not myself today. i feel like an empty shell. like my soul is detached from my body and i feel and do things differently. i'm aware yet oblivious. many things went wrong today. and i just don't feel right. it's like i'm watching my life play like it is a movie. like a dream. i'm in it but yet i'm watching it go by. like it's a glass casing and i'm looking in, unable to participate.

i'm losing my voice and losing my sanity. i think i need to change. i've been caught up. too caught up. that now that finally things are looking up and getting better, i don't feel the same anymore. it's like my life is moving on but i'm caught. unable to move along with it. i've become pessimistic and unable to think of the good things. why?

shit i think the time of the month has started and my pms has started. if that's the case it explains everything. sometimes i want to tell you somethings but yet the moments always pass so quickly just as they come and i either forget or feel that it has lost its timeliness.

i feel so, unstable and irritable that i don't know just how you can stand me. i feel like a very bad girl, you know? sorry and thank you. if you read this and understand what i mean. i don't know if you do. give me some time. i'm sorry i have to put you through this.

i have failed in many things and i can't even begin to think of the things i've succeeded in doing. maybe that's the problem. i'm too caught up in my inadequacies. when others can forgive me and pardon me. but i can't forgive myself.

what is home? this home is so cold and it does not have conversations anymore. everyday i go out to face and new day. and i come home to reluctance. i wish i never had to come home. but yet i wish my home is warmer. warmer than this. why am i contradicting myself? when you're here, my home is alive. alive with conversation. with a warmth that i yearn. not just from you. that i never got. only from you that i feel this warmth. that's why you're like home to me. and i wish i can bring you home.

maybe that's the root of all my problems and emotions. home is where everything starts. and when you can't fit the definition of a home to your own home, maybe that's why everything else just seem to go wrong at the same time.

i am sad.

when i'm home i face my colourful walls but they can't talk to me. i look at the list of names in my msn and i just appear offline. i look at the mess on the floor and i feel sick. i sit in my room and wonder what is going on downstairs and i wish i cared or somebody cared.

i know it is unfair. that i have nothing and i have turned it all unto you. to provide me with something. but you have tried your best and i really appreciate it all. for all that you've done. i can only love you. more and more each day. i have in many ways tried to show you what you mean to me. but i don't think i can fully describe it to you. because you're my pillar of strength and i will be lost without you. because you're home to me. you're my world and you have lifted me even in the worst of times. you have tried even when you didn't understand. i think you're the only one.

without you, i won't have a home. my world will stop spinning. really.

these are strong words and these are the emotions that i carry. that nobody really understands including me. i just...i have so much need. i'm needy and handicapped.