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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

and i thought so, but maybe i was wrong. maybe.

this is so pathetic. i thrive on everything else to be happy. everything else except myself. this is ridiculous but it's routine. it's like your every morning koko crunch or gardenia. your milk before you go to bed. it has become a dependency. something so bad. it's an addiciton. like smoking. like taking drugs. it never ceases to churn in me. ridiculously so. and with every drug, the more you know the more it's hard to stop. so what? i'm becoming or have already become a dependency freak. dependent on every damn thing except myself.

and so what if i know and i think yes it's time to start learning. i never do. i never learn. so what's the point? what's the whole freaking point? maybe the problem lies with me. i'm that incompetent. i'm that easily strapped. i'm a failure. maybe i am. i really am, ain't i?

why is it that everytime i feel like i'm not gonna make it and i just feel like breaking down i can't think of any other way out except to take things in my stride? i stare at my phone willing it to read my mind. willing the party across the line to know. i wait and i stare at the numbers. i have so many friends. so many friends. yet who can i call? who can i call when i'm most lonely? they all listen..they do. but they try and understand..and they don't. and those who do are those whom i can't call. wrong timing. wrong place. everything's wrong.

i'm a fucking failure. and fucking nobody understands and everyone brushes it off. that i'll regain my old self. that i'll come back the same again. maybe i do. all the time. but maybe it seems the same but it's really not. everytime a piece of me dies and i wonder how many pieces of me are there left.

and what if this time i don't come back. will anyone realise?

it's a fucking world out there and i'm one of the fucking people living in it.

what the fuck?
-cheryl
9:22 PM





Cheryl

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