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Friday, August 17, 2007

i'm feeling much emotion inside of me now, yet the emotions can't seem to present itself in writing. i've been feeling weird. very weird.

been easily provoked. easily brought to tears lately. and in between those sobs, i question why and i haven't found the answer. i don't even know why i'm crying and why i'm feeling upset or if i'm even upset at all. i don't know what emotion i'm feeling. frustration? hurt? sadness? anger? happiness? stress? i keep asking myself, but i don't quite know why. maybe a little more than little of each emotion. maybe.

maybe because you seem so far away and it's harder to get through bad days without you. maybe.

maybe i'm lost and worried. don't know what the future brings. hoping for the best, wondering if i can get anywhere with my results. hoping. worrying. losing faith, gaining trust in myself. maybe.

maybe i feel lousy that i enjoy riding so much and yet i'm so slow in picking up and getting unnecessary injuries, all over everywhere. maybe.

maybe i feel like i'm being exploited and i feel like i hate doing what i'm doing but yet i can't get out of it. am not in the liberty to even say i quit. maybe. choice. there's no choice. maybe.

maybe i really suck in floorball after playing for so many years and i still suck at it and improve so slowly. that i'm a wimp who gets scared during bigger trainings playing with bigger players. that i have no confidence yet i have a coach who gives so much towards our trainings and yet i'm performing so badly that i feel that i suck even more and i feel sad for her. maybe.

maybe because i've been feeling like shit for so long waking up every morning not looking forward to the day except weekends and then i look forward to a holiday only to know that it's been cut by half because sip has eaten into it and then i realise pol-ite starts right after and the only time i have for a holiday is the first few days. and then i'm made to feel like i did a bad thing by wanting to go on that holiday because pol-ite is just gonna be days away. maybe.

maybe because i think i'm broke and she's broke and i need to earn back money FAST and yet i suck at it and i earn a meagre amount and i feel so broke and having no savings that i think i better buck up and think up something. maybe.

maybe because i see you working so hard and going through so much, that i want to do all i can to help you but there's nothing i can do and it sucks. that i wish i could protect you from everything and see you live happy, comfortably but reality sucks. maybe.

all these have pressed onto my heart. weighing it. heavy. a huge boulder. eating away.

don't tell me everything's gonna be okay cos i don't want to think about it. just let time hurry away and let me reach where i need to go fast. i'm tired. sick and tired.
-cheryl
4:44 PM





Cheryl

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