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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

having more free time in the office lately means blog hopping and friendster surfing quite abit. visited sites of old friends, some lost and never found, strangers sharing similar experiences and pangs, people whom i used to think meant the world to me but obviously don't...brought back much memory...

nobody in the later part of my life could have ever imagined what a lousy friend and possesive partner i was. i remember my first relationship with a girl, j. she treated me like a princess, sometimes even queen mother, showering me with gifts, all her time, letters and everything that i demanded (i was super demanding and super mean!)...yet all i did was accuse her of stupid, childish things, fought with her over mindless issues and eventually she gave up on me.

i still remember that particular day. she had always been sweet, always been nice and gave no clue that she was going to leave me. it was yet another school day and as usual i went up to the library after school to look for her and her friends. expecting that warm loving smile that never ceased even when i was the most demanding and unreasonable brat, i was surprised when she didn't look up when i approached.

when i finally got her attention, she gave me a thin smile, her eyes reduced to slits, looking at me with a newfound courage, a newfound emotion that i have never seen before. i knew right then something was wrong. her eyes reflected every harsh emotion that she never once showed to me. and beyond that harshness was a look of pain. it was so real. i knew i had crossed my limits. i had hurt her beyond any hope of repair. and that moment froze as i suck in a long deep breath, unable to speak.

(from that moment since i saw that look in her eyes, i became sensitive after, to the look in people's eyes. i could tell just right away when something has gone wrong. i could tell when someone's lying to me. i could tell when a heart has strayed. and it has costed me too much. oblivion is certainly bliss, knowing too much just won't do.)

as the starkness of truth hit me, i didn't say a word, all i could do was walk away. i didn't even ask. didn't even hear those words. didn't even turn around to look back. just a single look and i knew it was too far gone.

i didn't know how someone could change overnight and but that look on her face i will remember for life. for every single time i've hurt the soul that cared for me with all her heart, i punished myself with that single look stuck in the depths of my mind forever.

there wasn't even time to be upset. i didn't change at that instant, instead i took to blaming, her ex, her friends, her. never once did i openly blame myself though deep down i knew, all the fault was on me. none but me. i didn't stop to treasure for even once, all the things she held in her hands for me.

even up till today, this relationship still sting me somewhere in the heart. not because i cared for her or that i loved her. the fact is she was a fling, none of importance, occupying none of my heart but what stung was the hurt that i got ditched. the hurt that i caused myself. and the fact that someone who loved me that much could decide to leave me. that made me realise how fragile love is. how love can be everything but can also mean nothing. frm that instant, i begun to change, outwardly still the arrogant little girl but inside of me something fluttered and arose. my heart opened and i begun to learn how to love. how to give. how to cherish and i begun to know what it feels like to be hurt.

i will always remember this particular relationship for what it has taught me and what it has made me into. if not for j, i might still be the same old girl i used to be, someone i'd detest myself. if not for that certain j, i would never have what i have today. if she only knows how sorry i am for the ways i've treated her, but i guess she'll never forget me for all the bad things i've done.

and probably i had my karma cos every single relationship thereafter failed. no matter how hard i tried, i was always left in the lurch. so many came, but nobody ever stayed. but because of what i was in the past, i'll always remember and always tell myself that i ought to be not what i used to be.

i hope this is the end of my bad karma cos it has been painful enough..too long, too many that i thought i'd ceased to believe in any love, any affection, any more. but i was wrong. the sun still shone on my side and gave me a precious gift. a wonderful gem that i wish to cherish and this time i have taken the gamble in full. i've put down, every single thing in my life for this gamble and there is only one way out. to win.
-cheryl
2:59 PM





Cheryl

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