Tuesday, April 10, 2007

been reading back on my past blog entries and i chanced upon this very entry that i liked alot. it's a pretty long one though. here goes:

unconditional love is love divine,
it spreads and burns like wildfire
and it never quite dies down
it loves and it never questions
it hurts but it never blames
and we all yearn for this love
this agape that will hold us for all eternity

why do we often deceive one another in this already greying world? we show our utmost love to the friends we associate and live life with, yet often, we deliberately ignore and neglect our heart's deepest longings.

mankind fears rejection. that's one feeling of dread, misery and pain. trust me, i've been through it countless times. and because of this growing fear as we fail and fail again and again, we begin to retreat into our shells and fall into this routine of refusal to face our deepest feelings.

most of the time we're our usual cheerful selves. friends and acquaintances relish in our joyful nature of fun and laughter. and at the end of the day, the time between sleeplessness and lying awake, we face our deepest emotions. no one sees them, maybe one friend or two whom we trust with our hearts, minds and souls. but besides them, only our shadow walks with us.

ever wondered how many unchased loves could have blossomed and lasted an eternity? yet we stop short of chasing our dreams of love, for fear of this nasty little thing called rejection.

ever wondered how many unheld hands would have been ours to clasp and hold forever? yet we devalue ourselves, throwing labels unto ourselves, deeming ourselves unfit or too lowly for the one we so loved with our hearts.

ever wondered how many untouched hearts would have been ours to cherish and shower everlasting love upon? yet we throw ourselves in deception that they're merely passing souls that we can't grasp and will never hold close to our hearts ever.

ever wondered how many unembraced souls would have been ours to wrap our arms around and loved and loved again and again? yet we stop and turn our backs on them, because we've failed once, we've failed twice and we conjure this frightful image of our failures over and over again playing in the back of our minds. and we project our failure to our untried chances. and those chances are lost and will always be lost forever and ever.

i have always wondered in vain, all those unfulfilled dreams of mine. would they have been, had i persisted. would they have been mine to claim and shine and blister in their glories? if only i've tried, if only...

you know today i feel so strongly for this one person, yet this sense of fear has shaken me and i'm removed from the high place of faith and hope once again.

i loved you, and i still love you. despite the troubles and the hurt of all those unsightly pangs. you stood like a rose amongst the grass, pretty and bright. i saw you standing proud from afar and i never thought you'd see me. and when you did, the world turned upside down. for you were all i could see and nothing else mattered. we laughed and we danced under the moonlight, bathed in the soft radiance of a kind of love that no one else could comprehend. yet it was a kind of love perhaps we both failed to understand too. cos dawn came too soon and i tried to run under your leaves for protection. i ran too fast and too hard, only to discover that under those soft green leaves lay thorns that pricked. behind those soft brown eyes of yours, there were tears unshed, screams unheard, and i loved you, i loved all of those things about you as well. but it wasn't to be. cos perhaps the love that we had that no one else understood, you didn't understand as well. maybe i was the only one who could understand the singlehearted song that i sang to you that night. so i say today, i loved you, and i still love you. but i know you're no longer who i used to know.

and oh you sweet sweet thing, you're yet another mystery to me. before i even noticed the rose i've seen you in all your glories. your voice so sweet, you speak and it's like a song. you rose above the weeds and flowers and i saw you standing brighter than sunshine. and that day i told myself that you were too far away to reach, too bright to gaze at, and i will never be able to get any closer. i thought you were just a mirage, destined to appear for a moment and disappear the next. i thought my love for you that i could not understand will fall away like those petals on the dandelions. but yet the dandelions danced for you in all its richness and splendour and my love for you grew. as i looked back today, i still cannot comprehend, how i've grown to love the you i've known and how i could have even loved you at all. but oh you sweet sweet thing, there's something about you that shines and you captivate. there's a deep longing in the depths of my soul, but i don't think i can reach you. you're yet another mystery to me. a sweet sounding song, a song that i can't quite hear the words. sing to me, will you? let me hear them for once.

will you confess your deepest endearments or let them pass and never come to pass again? will you chase those wildest dreams or will you let them pass you by and never dream about them again? will you be like me? or will you be like the ones who've dreamt of bigger dreams and reached a haven i've not quite yet reached?

love is quite a funny little thing, ain't it?

i don't know why but i just liked this entry alot. in fact it was the beginning of a realisation and acceptance of a certain someone in my life. someone that i never thought i'd reach out to. you know with things like these, everything is dormant as it is as long as you keep the truth in your heart. but once you've typed it out somewhere or confessed it to someone else, you can't keep your feelings at bay anymore. that was how i felt at that time.

i guess most of the contents still stand true up till now, just that somehow a love has faded and it has turned into something mellow. you know when you've loved someone before, you'll always love the person but as time goes by the love that lingers on changes. it's no longer the love between lovers but i can't quite describe what it is.

well, reading the past made everything fresh. it made me go back to those times at the beginning when i was so damn scared of every tiny little move i made. it's quite funny to think of it now but it was no joke then. =D

i wonder if you ever read those things before and if you knew then it was about you.

-cheryl
12:25 AM

Cheryl

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