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Friday, March 09, 2007

i sit staring at the shining pendant sitting snugly in its black and silver box. i smile in memory of the events that has unfolded. i close the box and run my fingers over the intricate patterns on it. i'm smiling but my heart's tight. that's when i know, i miss you.

sometimes i can't help but wonder what really trigger emotions. what is it that really make me who i am now. i've yet to find a good answer and i doubt it'd ever be found. i often think back on past events, feelings and thoughts that sweep through my mind. but i never quite found the exact time and place. maybe it was gradual. maybe it was instant but i didn't quite realise it then.

there are times i wonder about myself. the person that i am now. and the person i am to others. to my friends, closer ones, acquaintances, the special one. i wonder how i really am, whether i'm up to mark. the inadequacy that accompanies the insecurities threaten to break me, but not often. cos deep down i know what i really am like and i think i kind of like who i am.

most of all, i wonder alot about a certain particular issue in my life. maybe it was never an issue. maybe it is life in itself. maybe it's not part of my life, maybe it's really my life. it seems so to me. there are too many times i feel so awed by the facts, that i could imagined things that happen before they do, somehow i feel i can read you. i don't know if it's because i can read you, or is it that you still read me like a diary. but it never fails to amaze me. how disconnected we can be when times get tough and busy, yet how connected i can be to you, even knowing what's on your mind. i wonder if this feeling is mutual. maybe.

i think i'm growing up faster than most people in that i see things that my peers don't. i feel emotions that my peers don't quite understand. i speak of things that they never could comprehend. most of the time, it's easier to play along with the rest, cos life's a game anyway, we hold the ending in our hands. =D it's funny though, watching the people around me do things, make their mistakes, hold back, regret, and the list goes on. it's fun to participate. sometimes i forget that i think differently. it's fun. (:

there are little fears that have implanted their seeds in the depths of my heart. i think it's the uncertainty of life. maybe i've failed one time too many to have the same confidence of a child. maybe that's when we all lose our innocence and shed our playclothes and begin to grow wings. some fly earlier than others, some spread their wings before they learn to fly, others just are able to fly without sprouting wings. i don't like to fear things, i don't like the feeling of being uncertain, afraid and insecure but i guess that's the way life is. with things that matter the most, we sometimes guard them too closely and that's when we lose them even more quickly. but yet when we begin to lose our defense and start to let loose, we may just lose those things without knowing they're gone until it's too late. how troublesome.

i made three wishes on my birthday.
the first is for my friends, acquaintances and family to always be happy and lead a fulfilling life.
the second is a wish from the depths of my heart.
the third is that i can make the same second wish again next year.
=D

heart, mind, soul.
-cheryl
10:29 PM





Cheryl

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