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Saturday, February 03, 2007

of the way we shrug and act as though we don't care, only to realise it is too late to make amends. of the way we judge and criticise, only to realise they were right all along and we should have been more discerning. of the way we complain about the things we don't have, only to realise we've lost the things we used to have. of the way we take forgranted, only to regret when it's no longer around. of the way we speak before we think, only to eat our own words and hurt our own hearts. of the way we say the things we don't mean, and keep the things we do, only to realise too late, that everything has an expiry date.

of the way i miss her (my grandma), and wishing i had seen her, wishing i had held her close, wishing i had kissed her goodbye, wishing i had held onto her hand, wishing i had been there, wishing i didn't forget, wishing i could hold her again, wishing i could see her smile again, wishing i could kiss her again, wishing i could see her, talk to her, hug her, visit her...wishing she never left me. wishing the expiry date could have been extended. wishing she never expired. wishing she could still be here. wishing my wishes away. futile wishes that will never ever see any light ever again.

why do we even work so hard for the things we thought we've always wanted, of the things we've always dreamt of, only to let them slip away, only to let them go when we've had them so easily? and with things the things that matter, maybe some things would just fade away, maybe the pain and the sore would heal its way with time. time. but there are certain things that we'll never cease to think of, never cease to remember, never cease to miss and never ever cease to love.

it has been a few years since. but the sore in my heart has never subsided. the single regret that i've lived with the day she passed away. i was her favourite grandchild, she, my favourite person in the world. yet i failed to be there. failed to care enough. i was young, i was growing up, i was busy with life, i was fascinated with the things i learn each and every day, fascinated with the world so big, so beautiful, so vast and exciting. i was so fascinated that i forgot about the one who has showered me with the most love, the one who sat at the corner of the room, waiting for me to arrive each week. waiting to give me that dollar coin. waiting for me to give her another hug, another kiss. and she waited and i didn't come.

the weekly visits turned to monthly ones. the dollar coin which was so great when i was 10 wasn't worth anything when i turned 14. that hug, that kissed, became awkward. my heart yearned but my mind won. how weak the flesh is. how small the heart is. how selfish can one get.

i'm sorry doesn't mean a thing now. regretting doesn't bring her back now. crying doesn't help sooth anything anymore. yet the ache never went away. and a part of me died, the day she went away.

it has been years but i still think of it often. and often i do at times i'm tired, stressed and finding it hard to cope. like today. all of life's events have taken the wind out of me. yesterday's relaxation was delusional. the half pressing deadlines loomed. the half realisation dawned on me and then was lost again. the exhaustion overwhelmed my mind, my body, my heart, my soul. i thought i was tireless but i'm drained. my eyes they hurt. and it's at times like these i miss her. how she used to protect me, how i felt like the whole world can never hurt me. i was a baby in her arms. always a baby in her heart. and i relished that. i never want to grow up under her wings. and the day she went away. i aged a decade.

i miss you grandma and i love you. you were the greatest person alive. the greatest love i could have found. unconditional. and i've learnt it then i've learnt it well. and so well i've learnt it that i must know now, that unconditional love hurts like crazy. and that is how you must have felt. when all the love you had for me, i put them aside for my friends, my life, my fun, my games, my 'better world out there'. if there was just one thing i can bring back in my life, i'd bring you back and i don't ever want you to leave me. cos you loved me like no one ever did and i love you like no one will ever love you. you never knew all these when you were here, but now i'm telling you and i hope you're somewhere near. do you hear? and if i ever hurt you with my crazy antics, forgive me, i was young. i know you forgave me on every account and i wish you were still around. i miss you and i love you and that i remember you, your every move, your walk, your talk, your voice and the things you used to do and say. i remember you and i will never forget any of these. thank you for teaching me, unconditional love. i love you, unconditionally and someday i want to meet you again. wait for me. i love you.

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-cheryl
10:47 PM





Cheryl

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