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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

today i spent a quiet morning with myself again. had quite a restless night though, kept waking up at intervals, didn't bother with checking my phone so i didn't see the missed message. that was the song i had for you, thought i could sing it, but.. took the bus down to tampines with the intention of seeing my doc but the clinic was closed for renovations. how irritating. in the end i spent a quiet time all alone, indulging in my favourite prata and i tried the almond susu. and all the while there was something nagging in my heart.

in the past few days, i really appreciate having time to myself. when faced with a decision whether to join them after school, i decide to spend time with myself. and somehow that gives me alot of time to think and just let some emotions overwhelm. i'm weird in this sense. i love to share my joy and brimming happiness with the world, my friends. but when it comes to matters that require alot of thinking and exhaustion, i'd rather face it alone or just confide in the very few of them.

and again this time, i realise that you're always the first one there for me. thank you, for all the times you've cared and all the times you've tried to be the best friend i can ever have. you are one of the best and i'm really thankful and touched. the simple words that you never used to say but only used them rarely when i'm upset. i know it. other than saying thank you, i don't know how else to express myself. for all that you've done, i wish i could do something back for you.

so anyway, i really enjoy walking really slowly in the early morning and late afternoon in the breeze. just feeling the wind brush across my face, sometimes whipping my hair, tossing it around. i don't have to be in the best of moods. it's not about feeling happy or sad or anything. it's just how i feel connected with no one in this world except myself and the trees and winds and clouds and nothing else and no one else will matter at that point of time.

and that's when i think and think. they say i think too much, i don't. i just think too deeply. that's all. and today i thought about all the little things about a certain someone. the little things that always never failed to put a smile across my heart. some smiles never reached my lips, silent, unseen. and with just me against the world, with the winds and trees by my side, i thought of you and i remember how i always used to feel. and there and then, i just smiled to myself, and immediately that feeling was overtaken by a shadow. somehow it turned into a bittersweet taste underneath my tongue. and for a very brief second, i felt the tears well up in my eyes. but it passed. it had to pass. i couldn't have let it overwhelm me.

there's no need to worry, no need to fret. i've learnt too much, gained too much and lost too much that i've gotten used to alot of the ups and downs of life. and i used to hold on so tightly to things that i made them go even more quickly. i learn. i must learn. to have and not to hold. to have and not to hold. i must learn.

and for the most of the day, i'm okay. i'm strong. and i'm always learning. and i'm thankful for every chance i get to learn about life and get better at living it. cos that's the only way i can be a better girl, and that's when i can learn to care in better ways. it's only those passing moments that i get caught. but like i say, i learn and i'll keep learning.

i don't really know what's the point of this whole entry, all i know is i suddenly feel this urge to write and write and voice my thoughts over and over again without even stopping.

and suddenly i've lost my train of thoughts.

my birthday's nearing. this year i've a wish buried deep in my heart. i don't think i've ever seriously wished for something on my birthday before. birthdays never had much meaning to me before, my family doesn't view them importantly. but this year, i will be good to myself.

i'm suddenly feeling drained, exhausted and sleepy. doesn't help that my tummy's still churning, been having diarrhoea for the past 3 days. and i've developed a bad cough. how very sad.

"Forget about all the reasons that may not work.
You only need to find one good reason why it will."
-cheryl
10:36 PM





Cheryl

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