Tuesday, October 21, 2008
look somewhere else.
i'm not here anymore.
-cheryl
1:09 AM
Monday, October 20, 2008
dear diary,
why?
saturday was a good day because i learnt to come out of my shell again. i was in the company of amazing people. amazing fun. amazing laughter. i lost 2 matches in a row but i had fun. winning wasn't everything cos we had fun. there was something missing that day and i knew what it was. there was a sinking feeling the whole day but my friends made it all better. i lost a mahjong game but i didnt care cos i had fun. and i felt so proud of myself. i have taken the first step quite well. it was too good to end and we didn't sleep until the sun came up and we just collapsed. i think i remember the last thing i did before i slept was laugh. it was fun.
sunday started out a little grumpy from the lack of sleep. and the feeling of having something missing was stronger. i was supposed to travel back to the west to complete my work but i couldn't. i needed company. and i had them. my amazing friends. but something more was missing. they were mad at each other. and i was mad at myself cos i didn't do more. sunday became worse. but i tried to make it better. i walked around looking for a gift. and found it just before they closed the metal shutters on us. we had some cheap thrills of putting on ghoul masks. it was fun. but the feeling got stronger. something was wrong and the sinking feeling just wouldn't go away. and when we finally had to all go home, my heart sank. i felt sad over the news.
why do i feel like a part of it even though i'm not? i feel for you and you. and for myself. and you. i feel too much.
today started out badly. i woke up feeling tired. bad dreams plagued me the whole night. i tried to push them away from my heart. the sinking feeling seems to wanna be a permanent resident now. i knew i had to start on my work. i did. i worked like a robot. i churned out words quickly. i think i accomplished something today. but i did not have fun. and i got a good news. i felt happier. i didn't feel like i'm working like a robot anymore. but i talked to sad people and it made me sad. i feel sorry for what happened to them. and then. i got news that the good news is bad news afterall. i turned back into a robot.
there are some days you just wish for company. for someone or something or anything to brighten up that dreadful day when so many things are happening at the same time. and today is one of those days. yet. there's nobody. one by one i received sms-es that they're not going to class because they're rushing the same essays as i am. there was nobody to have lunch with. and they are not coming back for dinner either. i only ate one meal today. alone. the sinking feeling persisted. i wanted her to come badly. but she couldn't. its too bad. work calls.
i was being silly in the shower earlier thinking that maybe somebody will show up today as a surprise knowing that i'm not at my best.
and i know i was being silly because i just received a message at this instant that she's going to have a game of mahjong now.
it's just one of those days you feel like you need people around but there's no one. because suddenly everyone's sad and they need time alone. and you can't even help them feel better and you feel even more alone. and everyone's doing a piece of work that they're competing with you in terms of grades. but you feel like a robot churning out words.
it's one of those days. when nothing wants to go right.
but i have been trying to understand. i have.
anyone knows what's missing?
-cheryl
9:10 PM
I wanna know
Who ever told you I was letting go
Of the only joy that I have ever known
Girl, they were lying
Just look around
And all of the people that we used to know
Have just given up, they wanna let it go
But we're still trying
So you should know this love we share was never made to die
I'm glad we're on this one way street just you and I
Just you and I
-cheryl
2:08 AM
the first step's usually the hardest and i guess it wasn't that hard after all. i don't know how i can even think travelling that 1 hour isn't worthy because you girls are really my precious gems. though there were thoughts spilling in my head, i managed to relax. i had so much fun. it's been so long since i talked that much and listened that much.
the cosy feeling of four people crammed onto a single bed laughing and talking and reasoning. 3am supper at simpang bedok followed by more talks. and yet more talks till the sky begun to light up. yet when everything seemed so perfect and i couldn't leave to go back though i had things to do, i was dealt with a blow.
i guess it's in me to take it hard even when things don't happen to me. especially so with you both. it's almost as though it's me. it feels too real and too scary. i'm sad. and i hope with all my heart that things work out. it's never gonna be the same again if it remains this way.
there are times i lose faith in my own and i looked at yours for strength. so don't let it go away. so many times i felt like giving up yet i looked at you both and know that it will work out cos it always does for you too. everything seems so scary so hurting. it crushed me.
and those other things. we're so united in our strengths. it's amazing what good bad things can do to a group of people. how it brings people together and unite their hearts.
so many discoveries this weekend and it's still coming at us. and with some it saddens me. others crack me up. there's one in particular that scares me. am i like that too?
such a long weekend. so many things happened. i realised how much i miss you girls (4-cute-ppl-only) and things are still going to happen and ongoing now. we'll all stand in this together. till the end.
i realise i can live without you, but i choose not to. i can. but i don't want to.
i'm not that weak after all and there are more things in life than...
i've been unproductive but it's all worth it. i've failed to do any work but i've learnt alot this weekend.
it has been arduous but we're here. we'll stay. you said you'll never go. does it still count?
and thank you, you for still caring. i hope it works out for you and i'll always be here too.
-cheryl
1:30 AM
Saturday, October 18, 2008
dearest j
after so long, you're still here. the greatest gift is invisible most of the time. just like you. and you're invincible in my heart. how you've changed a great deal from the very first moment our paths crossed yet there's that one thing in you that never changes.
thank you, i love you!
-cheryl
10:39 AM
Thursday, October 16, 2008
it's a cycle. it's like the maturation of man. you start from being a baby who knows nothing and grow to know more and more until finally you're back to where you started, at the last stage of maturation where you realise that you're now a baby again. only that men die but love doesn't.
it sure feels like the first time. and it sure feels good. you're finally in control again. you finally have emotions. the ability to be mad at me. the ability to see sense and not oblige all the time. and you know what, you are desirable like that. near yet far. distant yet the closest to me. and when you reverse your role, i reverse mine too.
i like that she is able to tame the imp in me. how she can hold the reigns to the carriage and finally bring us where we should go.
it's finally going somewhere. =D
first time, last time.
first time, now.
-cheryl
7:48 PM
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
"While few of us may wish to identify with Eve, the first "wayward woman," or Satan, the first "religious heretic," if we are honest with ourselves, we can probably find a fault line or contradiction in our own desires.
we wish to follow rules and to break them. we wish to create and to destroy. think, for example of the pleasure young children get when they build elaborate structures out of blocks and then knock them down. could it be that in the heart of each of us resides an imp of perversion?"
-cheryl
1:25 PM
when you so fiercely protect something that you believe in. something you care about. only to find out that your protection is neither needed or wanted. it's like trying to put your arms around the cold air. you get nothing out of it. nothing except a shudder and a feeling of emptiness.
and after spending so long trying to talk some sense into it. i get a slap right in my face. not a word of thanks but that i've made things difficult. i have made things tiring. a slap in the face indeed.
where have those golden days gone?
someone said that we have hit the rocks. have we?
i finally know what it feels like to be inadequate. to feel lousy. unworthy. unnecessary. and there's not a word. nothing.
the world sleeps with you while i punch the air and gasp for a voice that has lost its fight.
-cheryl
1:10 AM
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
i knew i was different. i was never like the girl next to me or that boy beside me. my ideas stood out and sometimes people didn't know how to react to them. i could never fully follow the instructions given during art class. neither could i complete a mathematics sum the way the teachers taught us.
how rigid it has been. how can you teach art with step by step instructions. art is creative and vibrant. it is a life of its own. you can't encase it with instructions. those maths sums i could never comprehend. and they stare at me in disbelieve when i've gotten an answer without any working. now i know, they thought i cheated and copied somebody's answer. i didn't.
there are people in this world who are just not normal in your social sense. they don't see things the way you see it and that doesn't mean they're blind? you know sometimes it takes 20 steps instead of 3 to reach a final answer and perhaps those 20 creative steps teach us better than your 3 rigid steps.
i don't like injustice, yet i'm seen to be over aggressive. i don't like bullying, yet i'm seen to be a nosey parker. i really hate biasness and how things can be so unfair sometimes. i know many of you do too, but maybe you're too immune or too self-absorbed to lift a hand to help? all those good intentions that people fail to acknowledge or frown upon. because i'm just not like them.
it is getting increasingly harder to exist in a world of materialism, social expectations and the ailing human condition. now i know why people always say poets don't survive. more often than not, a poet is celebrated only after his death. because people fail to see the value of their words and thoughts and often they're classified as deranged and abnormal. yet when they die, people rediscover the things they've never seen and celebrate their works. too late.
i'm just struggling to not fall into a cycle of repetition. of a lifetime of waiting and doing the same mundane things all over again and fearing it to be different. because society doesn't accept it to be. i'm not you. i don't want to be like anyone else. i'm different. i'm me. just me.
-cheryl
1:50 AM
Monday, October 13, 2008
LIE
–noun | 1. | a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. |
| 2. | something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture: His flashy car was a lie that deceived no one. |
| 3. | an inaccurate or false statement. |
| 4. | the charge or accusation of lying: He flung the lie back at his accusers. |
–verb (used without object) | 5. | to speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly, as with intent to deceive. |
| 6. | to express what is false; convey a false impression. |
–verb (used with object) | 7. | to bring about or affect by lying (often used reflexively): to lie oneself out of a difficulty; accustomed to lying his way out of difficulties. |
—Idioms| 8. | give the lie to, | a. | to accuse of lying; contradict. |
| b. | to prove or imply the falsity of; belie: His poor work gives the lie to his claims of experience. |
|
| 9. | lie in one's throat or teeth, to lie grossly or maliciously: If she told you exactly the opposite of what she told me, she must be lying in her teeth. Also, lie through one's teeth. |
-cheryl
2:31 AM
we walk away from our problems and we don't know, our problems follow us. they walk with speed in the same direction as we do and unknowingly overtake us. and then someday we collide with the same problem again and we ask ourselves why? why have the problems come back?
our problems don't come back. it is only that we have walked away from them and they have reached our next destination earlier than us. we are the ones who have gone back to our problems.
why do we always walk away?
-cheryl
12:11 AM
Sunday, October 12, 2008
tragic comedy
is that what life is all about?
shakespeare seemed to have crafted his plays and poetry the way our lives would work out. no matter the era and time. why is he so celebrated and loved till this very day? because his works have at least one thing that we can relate to.
in death, in love, in pain, in grief, in happiness, in dilemma, inside our hearts...shakespeare lives forever.
-cheryl
3:23 PM
Friday, October 10, 2008
Odour of Chrysanthemums
what races through you mind when you see the above title?
-cheryl
1:01 PM
Thursday, October 09, 2008
when a team breaks up involuntarily, each individual goes our separate ways, a part of us lingers. how we're now from all walks of life. we're so different now, our lives don't cross now, yet, there's something that brings us together today. when we've shouted at each other before, not because we don't care, but because we care too much. at the end of the day, we still cherish every single moment, even the nasty ones because they count towards our growth in our game and in our lives.
we came together and we supported a team that we hold close to our hearts. we're still a team.
it's amazing how there's no sense of insecurity. how we can talk and laugh as before. how even though we're not on home ground, we feel so at home.
that's what a real team is made up of.
when you don't feel as though you're too good to go back anymore. when you don't look down on the juniors but help them no matter how new they are or whether you know them or you don't. that's what a team should feel like.
maybe that's why my heart stays in a particular place but leaves another.
-cheryl
11:58 PM
a tree grows from a small seed and turns into a seedling. it then transforms into a plant and starts to grow taller and stronger...a tree lives for years and years and we watch it grow but don't realise how it is shooting up day by day. and most of all, we watch what we can see...but we often forget that beneath the soil, its roots are growing into places. some roots drill deeper into the ground and provide a strong hold for the huge tree. some hit a dead end at the infrastructure of a building. and there are also those roots that claw at these infrastructure and we don't see it. we don't look beyond its trunk and leaves. and there comes a day where the tree comes tumbling down and the building begins to sway...
-cheryl
1:44 AM
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
i have a feeling you were placed in my life for some reasons. some reasons unknown in the beginning and it slowly starts to surface. like a dead corpse thrown out at sea. the mangled remains that i finally find, entangled upon itself and decomposing badly.
i guess there are lessons within our meeting that we have to learn. such as how to control my fiery temper which is so typical of me. you know right-brained people are pretty much different from the usual brood. they actually have weird ideas that don't seem to make logical sense but in a most complex way, they do? i actually think that being forced to use my right hand when i was young confused my brain. it made me weirder than ever. (no scientific proof to the latter, i was trying to make weird links like what right-brained people always do)
perhaps you were placed in this part of my life for me to understand myself better. to know that i'm no pushover and i like who i like and i dislike who i dislike. period. different people have different sets of values. and i just happen to be upfront about mine.
maybe you never realised, how obstacles help us grow. that when we meet with setbacks, we shout about it, but we don't give it up. because that will mean that our relationship has no basis to have even existed at all. nobody puts in effort into something to watch it go down the drain. i have no wish to hurt you, but i do because i care.
we don't compare. we may think about it but we don't compare. because comparing only means that you don't match up to someone else.
we were drowning in our sorrows and we had to seek a way out. i don't know why you chose the easy way but i never wanted the easy way out. you've changed your mind and i hope that you did it because you really wanted it. not because of a feeble meek attempt to reconcile your guilt.
somehow as time goes by you feel more wary. of the things around you. of how even the closest soul to your heart can hurt you. precisely so that she can hurt you more than anything can. so close that the blow is fatal.
only heaven knows
-cheryl
3:09 AM
Monday, October 06, 2008
you know that things are not quite right with you when you wake up to every little sound at night and you turn your face away because you know it's not the sound you want to hear.
-cheryl
10:16 AM
Sunday, October 05, 2008
you know that things are not quite right with you when you wet your pillow at night and wake up with puffy eyes. you know that things are not quite right with you when you go to a coffeeshop and order yourself a soupy uninteresting meal when you have a whole array of food in front of you...when you get a coke to go with it but you can't even finish your favourite drink. you know that things are not quite right with you when you report to work half an hour too early and talk too brightly trying to cover up your swollen eyes...when you order a subway wrap for dinner and you barely eat half of it...when you leave the double choc cookie untouched and choose water over coke. when you force yourself to eat the other half of the wrap for supper and still you left the cookie untouched.
memory lane is so long, how far i've travelled to be where i am today. should i even have travelled this lane? no it was good while it lasted.
there's a song
a few questions that i need to know
how you could ever hurt me so
i need to know what i've done wrong, no
i'm just waiting
cos i heard this feeling
won't last that long
never ever have i ever felt so low
when you gonna take me out of this black hole?
never ever have i ever felt so sad
the way i'm feeling
you got me feeling really bad
-cheryl
11:46 PM
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
as we try harder and harder to get our lives going, we realise it gets harder and harder for us...especially when things don't go your way for too long. when you've tried so hard but in the end it doesn't really matter at all.
when i think of the loss. of a friend. a once playmate and confidante. it saddens me, how we live our lives thinking of better lives. working towards a better future. accumulating wealth for the so-called tomorrow. concentrating so hard. too hard to earn a living and forgetting...forgetting the one fact that your tomorrow may not be mine. i may not have a tomorrow. i may be history come tomorrow. we look towards a future that may not even arrive.
i used to think i could direct my life. that i could be the maestro in my life. but i cannot. no one can. we are but seekers of a certain unknown future.
it is scary to hope and continue to hope for things that have failed you once and twice before. but it becomes sad when you begin to hope that your hope will diminish so that nothing can come close to breaking you apart anymore.
and there are fleeting moments before that i've let my thoughts wonder to where it should not. and now those fleeting moments are plenty and seem to linger on for far longer than they should. those corrupted thoughts and unheard ponderings. a million and one things that can race through your mind in the middle of a mundane day to day chore. and the best part of it all is that nobody will realise what you're thinking of.
our lives can never be perfect but we always try to make it better. it falls short of our expectations at times but the experiences count to a fully enriched life. and when our lives peak we ought to dwell in that moment and let the joy manifest. because we never know when it'll begin to dip again. and how horribly life can turn out to be.
-cheryl
12:47 AM
Thursday, September 25, 2008
there's a time for everything. the lost of a friend. the obsession with watching episodes after episodes of L word. brings a chill and warm to my heart. it reminds me to cherish. friendships. relationships. people. things. it reminds me of the times we had one another.
yes. us. tp wolves. i really miss you girls so much. we're so lucky we have one another. a big group of people with the same passion in floorball. with the same drive and the same aspirations. we could look at each other and have this amazing understanding of what's going through one another's minds. be it in our relationships, in our stressful times, in difficult times, we had each other's backs. we could sit together at starbucks. some drinking hot coffee, some slurping fraps, still others slouching over the flimsy round tables snoozing. those times we laughed when we spilled a drink. times we oogled at a hot passer-by. those times. so precious and true.
though our feelings don't change. though we love one another so damn much. our lives change. our environments change. we fade into different agendas. we drift apart. we try to stay together like what we were before. but. change is the only constant.
my dearest wolfies, you must know...i'm so lucky to be one of the pack. to have been the leader of an amazing pack of wolves for that little while. i might have my failures, but you all supported me. it's so beautiful, this bond that we have. such a god-sent miracle to an otherwise lonely individual without any outlet. you are my outlet and my joy. you are where i belong. and will always be true to. no matter where we'll go, no matter how we all change and grow, you will always be a huge part of my life.
lets keep together. keep our hearts together. lets remember the times we shouted "wolves" together. the times we had betting on which team to win at downtowneast d`marquee. let's never forget how we fought to grab those medals in our hands. how we ran the reservoir and fountain. how we each had a pink ball each with our names on them. let's always live in our spirits. the wolves spirit.
i love you gals.
-cheryl
10:42 PM
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
when we deal with the terrible turns of fate, we think about the origins of our relationships. we were only 7 then. happy. carefree. without care of money matters. of anything, anyone. we were so young. so happy. too happy.
you left to another school. another estate. we no longer lived near each other. we no longer squabbled. we no longer were close.
and now, you left for another world. an unknown. someplace we might someday know. you left too soon. you were too young.
glad for the times we shared when we were but 7. sad for drifting away. for forgetting birthdays. for not saying hello when i still had the chance.
how we grow up to forgo our younger happier days. we grow up and away from the people we depended on, loved and played with. we keep growing away.
the pain is gnawing at my heart. we lost our lives when we lost our innocence. and amongst the bustling crowd, i lost you.
rest, my friend. they say you're already in heaven. wait for us. we will remember you and we will meet someday again. like how you always like to meet up with friends. this time we will meet and we will meet again and again.
with love, my dear li wei...
-cheryl
12:40 AM
Friday, September 19, 2008
当她横刀夺爱的时候
你忘了所有的誓言
她扬起爱情胜利的旗帜
你要我选择继续爱你的方式
你曾经说要保护我
只给我温柔没挫折
可是现在你总是对我回避
不再为我有心事而著急
from different lands we were, yet in this winding road, there is a brief intersection in our lives that we were destined to have met. we have lingered for awhile but it seemed like the longest time, until we realised that we had to go on. so many routes there were to choose from. and from the day we made our choices, we knew in our hearts that our meeting is all but a fleeting moment in our grand lives. we went our separate ways and for that i am glad. for we have learnt to love the world a little differently from when we first started out.
there are people who come into your life for a short while and for its brevity, we learn that there are people that come and go. some pass by so quickly that we don't even realise that we've met them before. others stay for awhile and their presence slowly fades. there are still others who will stay a little longer. and those who stay for life.
i cannot presume that you'll stay for life but i know that for all its brevity that we were once close, i've learnt to appreciate you as a person and as a friend. true, that you've brought with your coming and going much pain and soreness of the heart. yet, with a bigger heart we've both learned to cross the line of safety. i can safely say that you're one of my truest friends. with all your flaws, you've taught me the beauty of a perfect friendship with an imperfect person.
it is true that with the pain that life brings, you grow into a better person with a bigger heart.
and because of you, i've learnt to trust and love my girlfriend more. because she does not infest upon her heart jealousy or envy of a time we once shared. you have with your exit, brought a gift in the looks of a gentle angel.
i have loved you once albeit differently from how i still do. you're a special friend, close to my heart. because you've taught me so much. thankful for the trust and faith that we still share, even after all those lies and joyless fights.
perhaps it's true, between the two of us, there were too many lies. too much deceit. too much lost faith. that we have thrown it all away, and built a better one. we were never meant to be and i know now, how you were so wrong for me, yet how fate made it feel so right.
but heaven made you right for me, as a friend and confidante.
you were never good at words, and i have all the words that you've lost in your heart. say nothing, for words mean nothing at all.
take heart to remember your life and celebrate your joys. take time to remember why you're alive and take time to care for your loved one. take heart, dear friend.
happiest birthday, wenna!
太委屈
连分手也是让我最后得到消息
不哭泣
因为我对情对爱 全都不曾亏欠你
-cheryl
2:37 AM
Monday, September 15, 2008
this week's gonna fly and it's gonna be recess week next and i'm going to batam and it's gonna rock my socks! YAY!
i feel so accomplished this weekends after staying in hall w/o going home at all. doing almost all my work but the stupid essay is not finished. =( oh welll! it's okay! it'll be done tmr!
everyone should seriously get firefox. it makes my world go round!
i feel so happy because we won the first match against nyp. okay it's only a friendly but it speaks volumes cos i think i played fairly okay considering how much i have deproved. and i got moved up from line 2 to line 1. yippeee hurrrayyy! but aiya all the bestest players din turn up tts why. =(
okay i'm like ranting and this entry is so irrelevant and extra from all my poetic emo shite entries. HAHA tts why i don't blog when i'm damn high/happy/excited. cos my paragraphs don't link, my grammer turns sour and my expressions turn funny.
i am generally a happy person. positive and full of laughter. but people who don't know me too well and read my blog too often think i'm an emo shite who thinks bad of the world and is full of negative sarcasm. HAHA. i laugh at them so foolish. =P
ok la enough of bad language, bad grammer, bad paragraphs, bad everything. =D
off to lala land to find my prince in shining armour, YOU!
-cheryl
2:29 AM
Thursday, September 11, 2008
紧紧相依的心如何Say goodbye
你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己
完成你的期盼
as cliche as this may sound, time really flies. it's already what, the ending of week six of school? i've done countless(x 999999) readings of poems in old english. sick as it may sound, i actually enjoy the readings. if only there's more time for each piece of reading. it's crazy trying to cram 100 pages of readings in a week. and that's only for 1 module.
it's unbelievable that at this age, people still do hold childish grudges and attempt to create mountains out of mole (no) hills. perhaps i shouldn't be surprised. experiences should teach me the lessons that i need to know. but i guess we always leave some benefit of doubt for new people we meet. how they serve to disappoint.
perhaps this life is such that we constantly face disappointments. how we learn to let go and let live and not be too bothered about the lives of others. i was just thinking about the notion that the best days of my life was over the day i lost my innocence. with innocence we don't stop to ponder too much over insignificant issues that are so significant to us now. even anger or pain dissipate in the matter of seconds. like it's been consumed in a puff of smoke.
there has been closure in a certain secluded corner of my life. yeah it has always been secluded. it's like the last of the lit candles have been diminished. nothing is left but darkness of a once familiar place. this closure brought with it much comfort and freedom. something that i have not had in a long time. my truthful words bear no responsibilities now. neither does it destruct harmony and unity now. maybe this has always been what i needed. for injustice is something i have never and can never stand.
when a door has closed, another opens. in fact a few has opened for me. beats me why i had to wait at the closed door for such a long time until i realise how i've been such a swine. with so many welcoming arms behind the opened doors, why do i hope for the bolted door to open for me again? it's so senseless and mindless i'm so ashamed.
nevertheless, every change brings about some kind of pain and effort. it's time to shine again.
could i possibly get back the days so lost and the joys of yesterdays? we could try.
don't question my motives. don't question my words. don't put words into my mouth because they don't count. don't think that i am such because i am not. don't think for once that you can judge because you don't know me.
the people who judge are the people who don't care about you. they look at you and they point out all your flaws.
-cheryl
9:20 PM
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
invigorating
feel the adrenaline pump
the swell of the veins
perspiration
happy laughter
so new and different
yet so familiar and joyful
feels like i've been here before
just like those times
in tp =D
-cheryl
2:08 AM
Monday, September 01, 2008
a new beginning.
no longer hiding away in the corner
invisible to the laughters and
i see your faces light up to the sound
the familiar sights and sounds
will be gone away today
when i'm gone
i'll wanna look back but
i'll remind myself that i shouldn't
forget the things that make me
feel like i need to hide in that corner
how familiar it is that very corner
i'm leaving now
oh all those times i remember
it seemed so long ago
when it was worthy
when the joy was real and
the adrenaline still pumped
yet how fast it has faded
and dissipate into something so surreal
the time is up
i've gone off track
but into the welcoming arms
of yet another haven
of a place i can feel at home
and smile and laugh
and how the familiar feelings rush
into my veins
so very warm and enthused
i have not lost
i have gotten back what i've lost
and found a place that i belong
back up there again
-cheryl
1:05 AM
Thursday, August 28, 2008
the wind blows through my open window panes,
so cold i am
it seems to be mocking
all that i've been
oh are you my friend?
i thought so
but then you asked a favour in return
shouldn't it be unconditional?
i know thee
a fiend
are you real
why are you breaking into these walls
and tearing me apart?
and the clap of thunder
sent a great shudder
up my spine
and i think about how
i could call you a swine
so many hearts vying for one
why could i have a piece of it too?
tonight i'm feeling all alone
and so the wind still blows
right through my open window panes
and you know
you must know
how it doesn't chase away the pain
-cheryl
11:26 PM
after thinking so hard and long...
those times i feel a tug at my heart
even when it invades my dreams
and consumes my energy
and even when the heart is weary
all these worries are so uncalled for
now that its out
how i wanted to be tactful but i can't now
how i wanted more time to think
but i think it's time to leave now
you know what's the saddest part?
that my demise is such an insignificant matter,
that it can be raised thru a simple random phone call
that need not be justified with any rhyme or reason...
and that,
after it is made known
nothing is said to me
i have known it all along and perhaps this trouble i took to contemplate was for fear of this sadness that will engulf my heart when i finally realise what an insignificant role i play. and knowing that they will not ask me to stay.
-cheryl
6:37 PM
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
we are so proud of our strengths and we seek to hide our weaknesses.
yet how weak we are in our strength,
how strong we are in our weaknesses.
i am.
how do we justify our pride and oh the merry words of consolation doesn't mean a thing. it doesn't mean a thing to me at all. in self-denial we lie in a bed of roses. the thorns that prick us we pretend. as long as we pretend that they're not there, we presume our wounds can hide.
how foolish our weak little hearts become. our lies so piercingly truthful. and the red stains so deep and dark. almost black. we cannot hide.
how art thou so blind to the bleeding black. can't you see the pain in those eyes. and the flinches where your hand caresses. so gentle yet the joyful heart has turned abashed
the kiss from a rose so soft and sweet, yet how it pricks and the red of the rose melts into the redness of the wounds from a bleeding heart.
you don't need tears to cry.
-cheryl
12:57 PM
Monday, August 25, 2008
"I've learnt, you don't have to be awake to cry."
how strong one must be at his most feeble. how one can carry a weight so many times larger than he is, yet crumbles when the weight is no longer there. the weight was never a burden. it was a bundle of joy to carry and when it's gone, the burden grows.
why oh why, how fragile life and living can be. how a strong man can be reduced to ashes in a blink of the eye.
it keeps me wondering, how i find parallels between jenny's character in the Lword and myself. what writing means to me and how it keeps my dreams alive. or do i write to dream? you know, i wondered, how well i'd fare in jenny's writing class. will i be thrown out of class? am i original? am i writing too much of an "autobiography of cheryl"?
if i could pick a character in the Lword to be with, i think i will pick...alice. i like how she's so funky and cutesy with her little girl voice. and how she stands up for her friends and herself. but, how demanding and angsty she can get. but but, i think i'll get sick of her in a couple of months. haha. i'd love to be with shane if she can be faithful but i guess not. oh well.
we seem to be a bit of every character.
for now, it's time to soar through my dreams.
-cheryl
1:48 AM
Sunday, August 24, 2008
time seems to suspend in midair when you wish it to pass quickly. how it's so hard to predict what the future will bring. how the imminent events cannot be accessed. we don't really know what tomorrow will bring. we could all turn to dust, in a tomorrow not far beyond.
when you start to procrastinate, think of the time tomorrow when you'll look back and regret.
-cheryl
6:14 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
you. you and you. you and you and you. all so important to me. those days gone by and some days left over. moments i hope to recapture. but for now it's all but a glance away. it's differnt somehow. black and white. in monochrome. i like sepia but it cannot work.
i don't remember most of what i did. but it is right there. there's no escape. of the things you do subconsciously and you unknowingly forget. of the things you remember but it escapes your mind once it's not there. it all but takes just one glance to remember all the things that i forget and all the things i'd love to recall.
once so young. will i look back on today and realise how young i used to be yet again. i probably would. such a pity. we never realise how young we are until the days are gone.
a queen sitting upon my shoulders. is it a burden, a chore? or is it a glory? it alternates.
these days go by so slowly as we think of the years ahead. but when they years are gone we look back and lament, how time flies and waits for no one.
oh the rain, always leaves me feeling so mellow.
let's cruise down memory lane. i want to be on a scooter with you.
-cheryl
9:02 AM
Thursday, August 14, 2008
mind over matter seemed so easily achieved in the past. not now. not anymore. guess age is really catching up. the past the past....to think i could do so much more than i can now. ah well...
how many of your friends or girlfriends or boyfriends can actually look right through you and decipher all your thoughts? our minds are like bottomless black holes and often we can't even control what and how we think. i don't think one person can ever fully understand another. it's like trying to reach into the bottomless pit to find a landing. you can try..but you won't ever find ground.
today today today..filled to the brim with thoughts.
very tired.
-cheryl
2:13 AM
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
you know, language is so beautiful and amazing. the learning is endless and countless. the journey of grasping it is boundless.
today, in lecture, we were asked to write an impromptu paragraph based on an old photograph. the photograph is a close up of a stone house's door that's left open with sunlight splattered across the house. the inside of the house looked kinda dark and there's a huge broom leaning by the doorway. here's my paragraph:
The bustle of activities stopped, abrupt. Where it ends, another story begins.
Of a rusty cottage hidden away at the corner of the street. Its door ajar, yet the sunlight does not penetrate. It dies at the doorstep. A broom, the largest broom along the streets. Large enough for the many layers of dust that settles.
The busy street much loved by the people. Not I, I love the hidden corner.
okay, i know, that makes 3 paragraphs but i'm not used to writing long paragraphs so there it is. after which we were told to give it a title.
mine's called: Rustic Charm
it wasn't graded nor was it read. but it was such an engaging way of teaching. because through that the lecturer showed us how our methodologies differ. i kinda enjoyed writing that though i've lost touch. what do ya think?
the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it becomes...
-cheryl
12:15 AM
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
you're the master of your fate
listen to the music of your soul
haven't been up to blogging lately due to all the excitement and buzz of the beginnings of school. it's been good till now, but i'm still trying to get used to hall life and being more independent and disciplined. such a procrastinator...i just can't seem to get down to serious studying.
been such a happy happy day. supposed to meet up with fons and peiying at nus and ended up getting more than i bargained for. =D got to see jolene and lingfang too! hilariously fun time. time really flies...everything changes but some things just don't change.
i'm really really happy to see you today, sis! (x
feel like such a saint. donated 10 bucks in exchange for 5 cards designed by autistic kids. damn cute! quote lingfang: "2 dollars goes a loooonnnggg wayyyy!" HAHA. cute. feel so happy after donating...i think it made my day. and it really helps that the person selling those cards is someone i know quite well. adds a kind of personal touch and satisfaction in buying them.
what a matter-of-fact post. i think this post will be widely understood and won't me misintepreted huh. (right duck & geek?) =P
felicia: i missed you, little one! here's a post!
fiona choo liting: i love your hall n your wonderful companionship haahha! though you're a pig!
忽然之间
天昏地暗
世界可以忽然什么都没有
我想起了你
再想到自己
我为什么总在非常脆弱的时候
怀念你
我明白太放不开你的爱
太熟悉你的关怀
分不开
想你算是安慰还是悲哀
transience
of a kind of radiance that shines
lusciously pink
a cherry blossoming
of a chiseled face
a smile
accentuates
deepens
a kind of lighthearted joy
sprinkled the skies
of a joy
a lifetime
too short
transient
and it's going
gone
when i shudder in the cold at night
i dream of a lifetime before
when i gaze up to the skies in awe
of the stars that sparkle
and dusts the tinted black
it is when dreams begin
and never ends
it begins but it ends
-cheryl
1:15 AM
Thursday, July 31, 2008
i think i'll be,
lost without you.
it's like giving the fishes without the rod. like giving the bread and not concerned about tomorrow's butter. it's like...flying without wings.
the beginning is always the hardest, they say...how much harder can it be? i'm physically here but my heart and soul has gone away. seemingly trapped in a place far away. where i once knew all by the tip of my fingers.
gone were the days we could laze around. those happy days that we danced in meadows. why, i think i'm on the wrong pasture.
it couldn't have been wrong. just raw. it couldn't have been far, just unknown.
i am a stranger in this familiar place and the pieces don't fit.
your face is a thousand miles away and i can't wait to fly away.
-cheryl
1:22 AM
Sunday, July 27, 2008
the beginning of a new chapter in my book of life. filled with aspirations and apprehension at the unknowns. with a new beginning brings new hope. and with new beginnings also bring new problems. a sense of paranoia.
we build the walls around us and we all have a sturdy front door. there are times in our lives that we open our doors to anyone. yet there are times in our lives that we live with closed doors. there are people who can never get past the walls and walk through the door. there are some who hold the key to that door.
whose keys do you hold? who holds yours?
i can't help but feel fearsome about the impending future. maybe i'm uncertain. maybe i'm afraid of the unknown. maybe i just have a fear of being jolted out of routine. of being far away from comfort zone. there are so many things to worry about but whether we worry or not, they will still come our way eventually. so i guess i should not carry this heavy burden.
reassurances.
-cheryl
1:35 AM
Saturday, July 26, 2008
i was just thinking about how good my poly days had been and i suddenly remembered this particular incident.
one of my classmate was gleefully laughing at my pride wallpaper and professing how gay it is to the class. it didn't bother me much but i couldn't find a good rebuttal. my lecturer actually cut in and said to him:
so what? are you prejudiced against gays and lesbians?
hahaha. can you ever imagine a secondary school or junior college teacher saying this? she'll probably send you straight for counselling.
those were the days and it reminded me of why i thought poly education is so damn cool. =D
-cheryl
11:46 PM
Friday, July 25, 2008
by the looks of it. i realised how two people can be poles apart.
question is, how did they get there?
question is, poles apart, close at heart?
we question
without answers.
-cheryl
6:55 AM
hey 我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里
hey 我真的好想你
太多的情绪没适当的表情
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你
如果没有你没有过去
我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你
如果没有你我在哪里
又有甚么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自己
-cheryl
12:45 AM
Thursday, July 24, 2008
i realised something while browsing through facebook today. snapshots are really important because with so many things to juggle nowadays, they remind us of the good times. they're what make my memory of beautiful places more beautiful. they're what make people seem closer and more real. you know, especially when we meet so many people day in day out that we can forget. especially since i know how mindless i can get.
i should really invest in a good camera with a huge memory space. it should be ranked as a need, not a want.
i should remind myself not to take caffeine if i wanna have a good night's sleep because i'll end up like now. wide awake while the world is dark and everyone is sleeping. but i kinda enjoy it. for now that is. i need to treasure the rest of my holidays before the start of a new chapter in my life.
every obstacle gives me hope of a better tomorrow. every angry word thrown at you gets a reassurance. and you know, maybe it's really a good thing that people argue and fall out. it forces everyone to learn and we begin to understand and see things with a different perspective.
i'm having a persistent cough and my lungs feel tight and weak. cough syrups don't help. i'm trying TCM. any suggestions? i feel like my lungs will collapse. and i cough so badly that my back and neck muscles hurt. =(
those were the days...
when the world was so small
and what really mattered was the world that we knew
our vision was narrow
but we were happy
we laugh at the birds
and smile up at the blue skies
those were the days
the good old days
that
i
really
miss.
-cheryl
2:47 AM
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
to not hold it against myself to forgive you. to have a bigger heart. to accept apologies. to soldier on because you're still worth it all.
school's gonna start and i'm so unprepared. unprepared of how far away i'm gonna be. unprepared of how i'll fare in a totally unfamiliar environment. unprepared to make those new friends. am i even prepared to hit those books? i hope i am.
and after all when those dreams start to fade, we're smacked with reality.
fate has it that some people meet and stay together. fate has it that some people meet and fall out with each other. fate has it that some people meet and they forget each other. yet fate has it that some people meet and never meet again but hold so much for one another.
-cheryl
3:51 PM
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
i don't know how to face you or look at you and not think of.................
i'm appalled. disgusted and deeply saddened.
-cheryl
9:47 PM
after all these years...
how i tried to change for you. how i failed and felt so guilty bout it. and then i realised that you've changed into what i was trying to change out of. and you tried so hard to change into what i was trying to change into. and you tried so hard to change me into who you are. i can't. and we're back where we started. we'll never cross paths because at the crossroads, we each turned into a different lane, away from each other. the more we walked, the more we're further apart. and perhaps the lanes might have a detour that brings us right back to the start. but our meeting will always be brief. only at the crossroads. and it has to be timely.
how it all looks so good now. of a time of innocence that we gave our hearts away. and it never came back to us. we had so much fun when we were young. and as we grow, we give all our dreams away to a belief. something that i can never quite comprehend. i can never quite grasp the truth and the light. and so i hesitated. and so i changed my mind and i'm back here again. but it is not to be. we have different beliefs.
so different we are to the world out there. yet deep in our hearts, we know, we're more similar than we dare to portray ourselves. we're so similar that if we openly declare our desires, we will fall into a state of confusion and illusion. and we need to be safe. so safe that we refuse to admit all that we think about. we just live our separate good lives and possibly in denial of better lives.
i will be far away from you for i don't want your influence. you will stay out of sight because you don't want my influence. it's like contamination. of good or of bad? we can't tell the difference. i can't. can you?
and after all these years, the dreams present themselves stronger, more vivid and yet more unreal. because you're no longer there. the places have changed. the tides have shifted and our beliefs have diffused and fused. we're no longer there.
and i spend most of my time trying not to think of you.
-cheryl
8:44 AM
Sunday, July 20, 2008
there are times we're so torn. we don't know how to go about making a choice. a choice that'll devastate. sometimes we're so torn up inside with all the knowns which should have been unknowns. and we wish we never knew a thing.
a time before it all existed. a time i knew innocence. a time long gone and never coming back again.
they don't understand. but they think they do. they don't understand. it's all but false pretence. but they don't understand. and they will never understand that it is not for their understanding.
it's time to pick up the pieces. it's time to turn my back. why is it so hard when it should be easy. in every good thing, there are bad things. in every bad thing, there are good things. the little good things make it so hard to turn myself away.
maybe it's because i still care. it was diminishing. but there is still a flicker. a small flame.
gonna
put
it
out...
-cheryl
1:58 AM
Saturday, July 19, 2008
i never knew i would miss you so much, melbourne.
-cheryl
5:18 PM
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
it was with a heavy heart that i stepped off that plane. walking up the aisle. back where it all begun. could have been the worst plane ride i've ever gotten on. a journey i will never forget.
melbourne is beautiful. a beautiful country with wonderful people. love how i can suntan in the cold. love the fog around my eyes as i drew in a deep breath and exhaled. love how every waking day brings an exciting challenge and happy laughters. how short-lived it all is. pity it could not have lasted forever. if i could stop time..i would...
i love how we won the game with 7 players. but, i miss the times we played as a full team. but it is amazing. dennis is a great coach with good vision. but i miss jaime's endearing words. how time flies. how things change. how we have to learn to let go and let live...
you know, we all need to find a haven that we can live happily ever after. and i think i'm still searching for it. a place to fit into. i've been thinking...it's no man's game. it's just the way life is. there are green pastures out there. yet not every pasture is green enough for everyone. we need to find the particular pasture that we can graze in. that we can grow in.
i miss melbourne. i miss the blue skies and cold air. i miss how being together with everyone warms me up. i miss perth too. i guess i'll be glad to have these memories with me as i step further out into this world. accepting the unknowns and letting go of a past.
in good, we learn. in bad, we experience. in life, nothing is ever perfect.
is it time for me to move on?
-cheryl
11:26 PM
Monday, July 07, 2008
when the sun goes down, our plane ascends. and when the sun comes out to play, we'll all descend. to a new place. it's gonna be chilly.
we're back this time. we conquered once. there are expectations. we're meant to defend our title. and we will. i believe we will.
it's gonna be another experience. another new feeling. we'll see.
i'll be back on the 14th. till then....=D
-cheryl
1:18 PM
Saturday, June 28, 2008
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
-cheryl
12:39 AM
Friday, June 27, 2008
katherine moennig's fucking HOT!
okay, i'm currently hooked on L Word and i'm not slow ogggayyyy! i've been hooked once before and shane's still the undisputed hottest character! *growls* i seriously think that alice and shane look fucking sweet together!
okay life's been all good and nothing much to blog about lately or perhaps i've lost the blogging mojo..
just love alice's and shane's hair! so wispy and HAWT! GOODNESS!!!
-cheryl
11:50 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
hello shitty pisai! i didnt die! i don't really have anything to blog about that's why! hahaha!
shitty shit...you're such a big shit! =P
-cheryl
12:03 AM
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
when you know that if everything goes wrong and the world turns upside down, there's someone who can still turn it around...
-cheryl
1:03 AM
Monday, June 16, 2008
a fallen angel
crying for you
for all of you who're grieving
-cheryl
4:35 PM
我终于知道曲终人散的寂寞
只有伤心人才有
你最后一身红
残留在我眼中
我没有再依恋的借口
the smile on your faces, and that of mine. of envy and of countless memories. imprinted, engraved, thousands of hearts carved onto stones. of dainty ladies and gruffy voices. the sun casting shadows behind us, as we preen and pose, flashing our pearly whites at a hefty black machine.
oh those wondrous days we spent, laughing at nothing. oh those scars we preserved, cursing at nothing. yet we relive them and still laugh. as you wrinkle your nose and we wink at each other.
of the days in the past i've missed and hope to relive. and the nights we've spent, just gazing at the skies, waiting for a shooting star that never came. we made our wishes still and hold onto them tightly.
and we tire ourselves over little things, forgetting momentarily, those things that meant the world to us.
yet when all is quiet and we have very little to think about, i think about you. and the many yous who have left a footprint in my heart.
and i miss. i hoped that we never parted ways. i wished we never had to say our goodbyes. cos while the heart is strong, our body is weary. we can only do so much. the occasional laughters that we still share. the teases that we still playfully laugh at.
we've given our lives away to someone else. to someplace else. not better, but future. not loved more, but moving along. we all have to move along. yet what's been given can never be gotten back.
i've given a part of my life and heart to everyone of you. and every piece that i got from someone, completes what i have given away.
-cheryl
3:49 PM
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Monday, June 29, 2076
my death clock.
-cheryl
11:03 PM
a dedication to the late, Clifton Lam Jia Hao...
不曾相似
不曾交友
无数擦肩而过
太多自我陶醉
可惜从此
无法再见您一面
您的笑容
照耀了无数朋友的生命
您的光辉
勉励了许多与您同步的学徒
您带给淡马锡理工那么多欢笑
但您却走得太早
那么潇洒
让我们那么痛心
苦苦地为您伤心落泪
您可知道
您的存在是我们的奇迹
现在您虽已过了界
但还是让我们耿耿于怀
无法忘记
您往日的笑
您的离去
让我认识了您
但却太迟
太迟了
我迟到了
愿下辈子能相逢
祝您一路顺风
走好了
家豪...
您走好了
i wrote recently that one can lose something she never had. and i have. it is true. you can really lose something that you never had.
you were not a friend, not even an aquaintance. but i have spent the same three years that you did in the same school. eating in the same canteens. training in the same hall. running on the same track. we never met. or we met but were never fated to be friends.
yet, your departure saddens me. i have nothing left to say but to wish for consolation for all your friends and loved ones. and perhaps like what one of the bloggers have written, God must have loved you more than we did..so he has taken you away to be with him.
life is full of turbulences and suffering as it is full of joy and happiness. you've brought joy and happiness to the people around you, perhaps God is kinder to you and have relieved you of the suffering of life earlier.
we embrace each other in the face of your death, though i never knew you but it feels like i did. i wish for you, the safest and most peaceful journey to wherever you're going to now. and may the peace be always with you and your loved ones.
To TP's dearest Clifton Lam, you'll be sorely missed and always loved by those you've touched.
-cheryl
3:06 AM
Saturday, June 14, 2008
i'm a little boat seeking shore on mystery. i've found a shore and have docked, but i'm wary. valuables on board, afraid of pirates. not knowing when the weather would change and if my sails can hold up in the storms.
cos where i come from, pirates are extinct and storms are but merry musical rain.
i'm thinking up a time where worries are the least and laughter rings out loud. i'm thinking up a place where beauty is an everlast.
i have docked but i may sail in my quickest possible time. if i realise something is not right. i am but a little boat seeking shore on mystery land. i cannot meet storms and pirates. i will sail away...
-cheryl
11:42 AM
Thursday, June 12, 2008
anyone who can touch you,
can hurt you or heal you.
anyone who can reach you,
can love you or leave you.
-cheryl
11:10 AM
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
每一个未来
都有着从前的那个故事
每一段回忆
都是因往日的喜怒哀乐
有因必有果
有得必有失
希望有一天我还能
回头微微一笑
或许还带点嘲笑
开心，也许从此对众都比较好
because tonight will be the night
that i will fall for you
over again
don't make me change my mind
or i wont live to see another day
i swear it's true
because a girl like you is impossible to find
you're impossible to find
when every waking thought has been seemingly programmed. and every thought is a joyous pain. 哭着笑最痛. every memory a punishment. and every routine falls out of rhythm. like an angel without wings. and a boat without sail.
i always believe turbulences in life make one stronger. and i think this time, you're trying to prove it right to me. of all the times words empower you yet your actions leave us powerless. perhaps now is the time. perhaps it has reached a breaking point.
you made me believe that believing in you was never wrong. but i was wrong before too many times. so tell me now, that i'm not wrong again. because you make me believe that i'm not.
and then the fatigue sets in and my physical state continues to stay awake while my mental state is no longer a state. there's nothing. a blank.
it's time to be awake soon, yet i'm yet to be asleep.
you've shown me the way once before
but i lose my way and i'm down on all fours
no it's not a chore
cos someday near, you promised..
that you'll lead me back to shore
-cheryl
4:42 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
a romanticist
less critical
indulgence in excessive sentimentality
i exist in the wrong era
the wrong time and space
for once there were tales of unconditional love
once there were legends
that burned away our fears
yet that was once
and today it no longer stands true
i'm history living in modern times
i'm a believer living in a destroyer's house
i'm a sentimentalist living in denial
of the real world
where everything is cold
and your love i cannot hold
where everything is cold
and my dreams that stole my soul
i've come to the wrong era
i've come to the wrong place
i should have died ten thousands years
yet i'm still alive
how do i live
in a place where i'm long history?
teach me.
-cheryl
2:05 PM
Superior individual ability is important, but what's even more important is team work. The difference between true champions and champions is that they take care of one another. If not, they're but thrash. adapted from a comic.
feels so familiar yet different. like as though the whole meaning has changed. the feelings linger on but something needs to be revived. or has it died forever?
why do people create problems and then expect others to solve it for them? why can't they do it? it's like knowing that whatever wrongs that you do, there's always someone to get you out of it. but it is already a problem in itself.
like being trapped in a bubble and everyone can see what's happening in your bubble but you.
if you really cared, it would have shown. but it never did. even if you bothered, it was all for your own selfish reasons. but it's okay, the world is not perfect and there are some who're less perfect than others.
how do you mend a broken valve? can it be replaced?
like you're so near, yet so far.
-cheryl
1:34 AM
Monday, June 09, 2008
从前的我不懂你牺牲多大
为我失去朋友不讲
还放弃了所有梦想
觉得没怎样
不会将心比心去想
让你慢慢慢慢失去了希望
能不能够再给我机会
好好的爱你
我会仔细的聆听
你对我说的一言一语
我会学会去控制脾气
不让你伤心
对你好好的去珍惜
请你相信我的心
还是爱你
为何总到失去才懂的难过
当你在我身边的时候
总是为我默默守候
都是为我的错
错过这难得的拥有
就让你爱我的心慢慢溜走
-cheryl
2:15 PM
you were but on loan to me, but you were long overdue.
-cheryl
2:18 AM
Sunday, June 08, 2008
cos i want it all
or nothing at all
there's nowhere left to fall
when you reach the bottom
it's now or never
is it all
or are we just friends?
is this how it ends
you leave me here
with nothing at all
-cheryl
11:54 PM
Friday, June 06, 2008
feel the distance distant. feel the closeness closing in. breathe in the air of inquiry. breathe out the air of foulness. at another place, another time, maybe things would have been different.
wondering if it were better to neglect intuition. or would it have been better to neglect self-reproach. actually why neglect all the signs? they're telling us that we have to have a choice, at the crossroads of a certain lifetime. we have to choose.
why indulge in sinful activities? when there are souls that we can keep safe. why do we say senseless things and do senseless things. like as though life is pretty long because it's not.
why stay at a place where buoyancy is low and you can sink anytime. why struggle in the midst of a churning ocean and try to catch those gulps of breaths? why not anchor ourselves on familiar land. a place where friends are plenty and foes are extinct? why bother to go through the acts again, for unworthy birds that flock together?
how skillful the hands of fishermen, who have woven more nets than you've eaten rice. how skillful their hands at drawing the nets and gathering their catch.
what have you gathered in your nets?
-cheryl
9:47 PM
shitasses sitting on the same boat!!
HAHAHAHA its so hilarious!
i repeat. A GREAT PERSON IS NOT ONLY MADE UP OF GREAT FLOORBALL SKILLS. it is about having a GREAT PERSONALITY, being able to CARE FOR OTHERS and HUMILITY!
some people just don't get it..!
people with big egos and insecured hearts hate being challenged. they hate meeting obstacles and they hate it when people disagree with them. they blackmail others with words and "I TREAT U AS A FREN...THATS WHY" hahahhaha SHIT. and they just hate it when people don't idolise them the way they like it.
do you have a big ego and an insecured heart?
maybe you should realise that by pointing a finger at others, you're pointing the other 3 fingers at yourself!
are you wondering why its 3 fingers only? because you also have a thumb...HAHAHAHA
-cheryl
1:21 AM
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
DON'T LIKE TO READ WHAT'S WRITTEN HERE?
DON'T READ!
I LIKE WRITING SUCH THINGS!
TOO BAD!
-cheryl
11:50 AM
this blog is written for the pleasure of yours truly. if you're unhappy with the content of the blog or you think there are arrows directed at you, there's none you can do. there are no names stated, you can't point your finger at me.
if it bothers you so much that you rebutt with unfair and unjust comments, i have one word for you. CHILDISH.
at your age, i would have expected more. your single comment stunned me. and everyone else who heard you. you're gonna be losing more respect than you think you have if you let on more of this ugly side of yours. so beware.
hello sucker, ever heard of karma?
don't like it? don't read.
still wanna read? too bad for you.
-cheryl
1:20 AM
Saturday, May 31, 2008
you always thought that i was stronger
i may have failed but
i have loved you from the start
it's true. the more you get to know someone, you either begin to like her more, or you start to detest little things about her. little things turn to big things and at the end, you realise...it doesn't matter after all. some things are just so unworthy. some people are so not worth your time and effort.
now i understand why people always say that one good friend is better than a million okay friends. cos okay is not okay. what's an okay friend? it just means that you can't turn to them and you can't count on them for nuts. right? no okay friends for me!
some people just don't understand. great things go beyond doing ONE thing very well. if you're a great person, you've gotta have a great personality, a good heart and HUMILITY. not just...great erm..floorball skills?
am i talking about you? does it matter? you're so great that nothing i say matters anyway. HAHA. you used to be a big big thing but you've shrunk and are still shrinking. you're not that great after all.
tactless huh? so tactless.
i'm DISGUSTED!
sucky things sucky things make good blogging topics. hahaha!
because a girl like you is
impossible to find
it's impossible to find
-cheryl
2:50 PM
Friday, May 30, 2008
your words are a measure of your worth
-cheryl
1:36 PM
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
maybe i was wrong about you. maybe you're not who i thought you were. don't make me change my mind.
you know, i don't really have to care about what anyone thinks. i do what i like as long as it's nothing that is wrong. i don't really have to care. and i am not going to care.
time's up.
time to fly.
-cheryl
9:57 PM
we're all waiting. waiting for something to happen. for something good to be bestowed upon us. but alot of time we don't realise. when we stand out and do something good, it is all the good that can be bestowed upon us. because we thrive in generosity and benevolence.
sleep is but a physical state of rest. there are too many times that the mind doesn't shut off completely, dreams and hopes turn to reality in the midst of sleep. it is like we can't let go of our hopes and dreams even as we sleep.
it has to be better than this.
-cheryl
12:27 AM
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
"I've got no fear of losing you
You can't lose what you never had."
is that true? is that really true? i think not.
there are things we never had but we hold it closer to our hearts than the things we have or had. it is the things we never had and will never have that we fear to lose. that's why we can never have them. we fear too much.
you can lose something you never had. you can lose the feelings you've had. even if it's one sided. you can lose something that you never had and feel even worse than losing the things you have.
that's why life is so scary sometimes.
-cheryl
2:32 AM
2am thoughts are old. the weariness begins to set in and the adrenaline fades away. and we wonder why. 24 hours never can be enough for us.
time is running. so am i. we're running a race. we're the runner, the spectator, the judge. we are so many things and we still have to run. how many races do you run in your life? it depends on how many races you decide to run. how many times you're so afraid to lose but yet you still try. the person who gets the most applause after the gold medalist, is the runner who finishes the race, even though he falls, even though he knows he's last in rank. that's the runner we all should be. though the gold medalist is what we all yearn to be. but there's only 1 gold medal. yet there are many gold hearts.
it is good to be back home again. somehow i think it's better that i don't live at home. things become better. people tend to care more about you when you are away for an extended period of time. it works all the time. cos we take for granted too many things in our lives.
got myself a new piercing on the naval. =D
been thinking of the tattoo for months but i can't really find the right kind of inspiration. anyone has any ideas?
luck has been shining onto me for a great part of my life and i'm thankful. i hope it continues to shine through the rest of my life.
i miss gabby =(
when we envy and feel sore over the things we can't get, we think about the things we've got. is it any easier to get all the things we've already got. it never is. if it was easy, then we're just lucky. and we begin to feel happier. we begin to count our blessings. those who do not will realise one day that they should have. they could have been happier than they ever were. if only they did.
-cheryl
1:58 AM
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
那时候的爱情
为什么就能那样简单
而又是为什么
人年少时一定要
让深爱的人受伤
she who lets the fury overwhelm her heart and mind will see hell in a hurry.
when you care, you let your defenses down. you hurt yourself and fall right down.
when you say fuck it, you don't care. you don't care and you will emerge stronger than ever.
care only for those who will care for you the same way. though there'll always be this little space in your heart for the special people who have walked in and trampled all over your heart. and also some space for the people who never knew you existed or didn't value your existance.
there are things you never knew but when you finally know, it is as though you've known all along. like it was there all along. have you ever felt that way before?
ever wondered why sunrise is called sunrise and sunset is called sunset? why not moonrise and moonset? you see, sunshine is so very important in our lives.
that's why.
-cheryl
1:47 PM
Monday, May 19, 2008
seriously, i have had enough of your arrogance and i won't take it lying down. oh so now you think you've got an army of supporters and you're oh so great and i'm oh so small and oh so very meek? you're OH SO VERY WRONG. i don't give a shit about whether or not you like me or not cos I DON'T LIKE YOU. and know what, i am happy without you in my life so just fuck off.
it's just so unfortunate that you're one string attached to a very important person in my life. would have been easier to tell you to fuck off if you weren't.
you wanna play your game? you play it yourself. i have my own games to play.
you think you've always been victorious and you'll always be? think again.
the moment i retaliated, you have already lost.
big boo boo on your ego huh?
too bad.
-cheryl
12:34 AM
Saturday, May 17, 2008
maybe it's the cutting tone in your voice. maybe it's the way you walk like you own the world. maybe it's the way you look down on others who're not like you. maybe it's the way you put people down. maybe it's the way you have friends all around. maybe it's because you don't realise, there're other people not like you and that does not give you a fucking right to put them down.
how the respect turned to doubt. the doubts multiplied and then you lost my respect. who do you think you are? you're just anyone just like everyone. you lost my respect and you won't gain it back.
you're that great is that it? you're not.
and you don't have the right to put your opinions on others. you have no right.
not now. not ever.
you've lost my respect forever.
-cheryl
11:58 PM
an unfathomable sense of engulfing staccato dotting the symphony of fire, sometimes a crescendo, sometimes p, mostly f. almost as though it's angry. a churning force that's trying to break through. to break away. as the keys change and the notes are crushed together, only the best can play this piece. only the best.
the ending is slow and subtle. as though it's almost regretful. as though it shouldn't end. but it ends here.
-cheryl
9:21 PM
thoughts are recurring and they've been floating, adrift. all over my mind even when i sleep. only half asleep. now i carry this buzzing thought in my head and i somehow feel it invade. it invades everything that i value. how about that?
one wrong step and everything will be no more than a line in your history book. and you know it. all the more it seems ominous. portentous. like a sign. an omen. this reminds me so much of julius caesar.
of the things we can predict and the things we presumably predict wrongly. how stupid how foolish that we try to undermine our fates and destinies. there are some things we can craft and change in our lives, but there are others that we're left without a choice or the choice came to late. or we simply aren't strong enough to choose.
is that your final answer?
-cheryl
1:24 AM
Friday, May 16, 2008
immunity is a great feeling to be accustomed to.
-cheryl
1:50 AM
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
in the very corner that the lady misses, that's where the little lady stands. gazing ever so silently. as the skin around her eyes creases into a smile, the dimples set out slight but it is with deep longing that the little lady still stands, frozen in her place. as the light falls softly on their faces, it is with deep regret that the little lady turns away. the lady never knew what she missed.
everyone needs a miracle doctor for the sickness that life cannot heal. just as everyone has secret needs that the heart knows not to fulfil. we all know, but we all pretend. cos sometimes it's better not to have known.
people seek bitterness like an illness. for it allows them to bask in glory of better times. maybe it's true, we cannot know the difference between good and bad if we only know one of them.
-cheryl
1:39 PM
Sunday, May 11, 2008
why, i'd also like to have glittery glamourous lives like that.
life's unfair all the time
-cheryl
8:30 PM
Thursday, May 08, 2008
perhaps everyone is someone's second fiddle. to turn to when we're down. to lavish gifts on when the one we want to lavish them on isnt around. to just feel a teeny weeny bit better. because we think there's still one person who cares.
been reading an average of 5-6 books a week recently which is great. i'm getting back on track with my reading. i swear i can read the whole library of fiction(only if they don't buy new books and update them regularly haha.) oh well. there are times i'm in for some action. times i'm in for romance. even times i'm in for a lighthearted easy-to-digest high school book. and i can't seem to withdraw myself from those books. there're pretty much the only things in the world that technology can't replace. i'd choose a paperback harry potter rather than read it off the screen any day.
you know how bad karma is kinda infectious like a virus?
i seek joy in the joys of others. why couldn't i?
it's like a whole world of thoughts tumbling down and i'm trying to pile them up again like alphabet blocks. you know, like a little kid.
and a long lost friend comes calling, all smiles and i feel obliged to entertain. but no, i actually feel a heartwarming gladness seep through my skin. so insignificant i may be but yet a long lost friend bothers to say hi.
funny how an ipod on the table reminded him of me. =D
sometimes these insignificant events that can be dismissed as a passing day to day thing can turn out to be quite pleasant.
it's been ages since i got home and i still love my royal bed.
-cheryl
8:53 PM
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
it's always the same
an anti-climax kind of emotional plunge
like how high and how low
and how tall and how short
how far
can
you
go?
if i had any kind of idea what my life would be like in say 20 years time, i will have pretty much an idea of what kind of life i want to lead right now. but who knows? nobody ever does get close. so we are left to lead a life that we may realise too late that we've been living all wrong.
how sad that it'll only take 20 years for us to know if we've been right or wrong all along. how sad if it'll only take 10 years to realise that we've come face to face with...death.
but what if?
what if we have a right to decide what is right or wrong. and being right is good but being wrong is just nothing extraordinary. would life be easier to live this way or are we constantly in self-denial?
what if we don't ever regret but we are thankful for what we have learnt all these 20 years. i think that's what we should all do. forgive and forget. yourself.
-cheryl
10:31 PM
often times in a relationship with anyone, be it a friend, family or partner, what really kills us is not our counterparts. what kills us is ourselves. the desire to be what we are not. the disappointments with that discovery. and the refusal to change.
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages"
two-faced is bad enough when i was a kid, but as i grow older, i discover a million different faces in one single soul.
tonight i will sing ever so softly
in a trance
subtly engaging your thoughts
and we'll still be together
when we're apart
-cheryl
12:50 AM
Monday, April 28, 2008
will two parallel lines eventually meet?
maybe.
in another dimension,
another age,
another world.
-cheryl
12:32 PM
Sunday, April 27, 2008
there're times at night when i think up random thoughts and phrases. this happens to be one of those nights.
idk why but news of breakups always induce many thoughts and feelings into my heart. it's like almost being in the person's shoes and feeling a dull kind of emotion. like a quiet kind of rain when the sky's all gloomy and dark and it's cold.
why is everyone breaking up with each other these days. where's the love?
so anw, life is fine and good and i'm looking forward to the next few months ahead! bring it on!
hair pics will be out, i don't know when but soon i hope! i miss you nad!=D
i will miss you...when you're not around!
-cheryl
11:13 PM
Saturday, April 26, 2008
it's been a long long time since i chopped my hair this short. am not regretting it, yet. sometimes i wonder what is my drive and purpose. why do i always do such unexpected tings to myself.
feel like chopping it shorter still..
these days have been...dreamy...filled with alot of daydreams, nightdreams, weird dreams...been wondering..always wondering.
suddenly lost my train of thought..not sure what to blog...
-cheryl
10:43 PM
Friday, April 25, 2008
of the silent voices that accompany you through your darkest times, which are the shadows you turn to? do you run and hide under those dark silhouettes or do you seek comfort in higher ground where you can stand tall and examine your next move?
it is often with choices that we are doomed. for we are indecisive souls. we often regret our decisions but never look back and be grateful of the things we've gained. there's always a loss of something to gain another. but we always want everything.
nobody can have everything.
we can be in a perfect situation say in this pasture, yet we can also be in another perfect situation in another pasture. then again, these two pastures cannot co-exist. because then the one that you're not standing on will always look greener though it may not be so.
choices. they are sometimes the worst things we can have. yet when we don't have them, we feel restricted and unable move away.
so you see, it is always hard. life is always hard. because there's never a day that we don't have a choice. we always have choices. will you choose what's best for yourself or will you choose what's best for everyone else?
there's no right or wrong.
-cheryl
1:25 AM
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
it has been a year now and even though the past few weeks have been rather taxing on the mind and heart, i still do appreciate all the times that we've been through together. i guess when the journey's hardest, you begin to question yourself on whether it is okay to carry on and i did. my answer never changed from the time i gave my heart to you.
i do cherish you.
we gain some we lose some. these few weeks of cruel waiting and anticipation has paid off. yesterday just past midnight, i got a wish come true. a letter from NTU was waiting for me to open. i deftly tore the edges of the envelope and the first word that caught my mind was "Congratulations"! i think this is the word of the week.
it is such a relief, such a joy. and such a great surprise to start this beautiful 23rd of april with. yes today is beautiful because it is the day you led my heart to yours and locked them both together.
should i thank you, should i thank god, should i thank myself. i have so much to be grateful about. if not for you. if not for fate. if not for my unending patience. if not for the support of friends. if not for that little hope. that little twist of fate. we would never have come this far together.
thank you for trying your best to meet my demanding expectations. and for the wonderful surprises. my first time on the singapore flyer with you! my first bouquet of red roses! my first balloon...and you knowing that i wanted to go sing badly. =D
i have nothing much to give to you, but a heart filled with tlc.
someday, i will.
i've been difficult lately. i will try my best not to be.
and all these good news and happy things put together 23rd april 2008 is the best day of the year! and there are better days to come! =D can't wait!
your happiness is mine to cherish
your hand is mine to hold
your smiles are mine to smile about
your love is mine to boast about
rain or shine...
-cheryl
9:50 PM
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
i lost some emotions midway and i'm finding a way to pick up the pieces. of expecting the expected but still unable to cope. knowing yet hoping that i will never know.
i'm bored and i need a new direction. sometimes i wonder if i'm lost or found. and where will the next few steps take me? all these i will never know...
waiting, and waiting still..for a better life. a better tomorrow.
i'm not cut out for this. just ain't cut out for this.
trying to fight the emptiness that creeps up onto me, more and more often now.
sometimes i don't wish to grow up. can i grow down instead?
-cheryl
4:41 PM
Monday, April 21, 2008
things have been. a little less than smooth.
been feeling. weirdly tired and bored.
i should be happy. happier. maybe it hasn't sunk in yet.
there has been alot to think about and this week, i will have more time to think about them. maybe clearing the mess at home after the renovations and clearing out my room will also mean clearing out my head. hopefully.
i love my little boy, ethan wong! =D CUTE
-cheryl
7:44 AM
Monday, April 14, 2008
you say it best
when you say nothing at all
guess what, i'm tendering my resignation!!! my last day at tkd school will be 20th April! guess what? IM SOO FREAKING HAPPY! guess what? i'm gonna be working for coach ngasti, teaching pri sch kids an intro of floorball for 8 weeks! and guess what! i get paid more than 20 an hour! SEE THE DIFFERENCE! stupid stingy place!
lalala..i only have to work 3 days in a week for a total of 9 hours and i have all the free time in the world to do what i wanna do! isnt' that amazingly happy happy?! =D
now i just have to worry bout finding another job to supplement my income! need a fat fat pocket for AFO etc etc...
and i can go for tp trainings, outings, meet my friends, meet my gf, eat dinner at home..ETC ETC! with 1 letter comes so many perks!
hahahahahahha...elated!
-cheryl
8:44 AM
Friday, April 11, 2008
life is currently keeping me in suspense. like how i don't know if i'm going to university yet. like how there are many things to look forward to such as AUSSIE FLOORBALL OPEN yet its still 3 over months away. like how i'm about to celebrate a one year anniversary soon but its still about a week or two to go...i realise i am a very impatient person. the most frequent words that appear in my mind is "I CAN'T WAIT!"
i think the most pressing issue in my mind is the university issue. i've been hearing from friends lately. some are leaving sg to aussie to work/study, others are already pursuing degrees overseas. somehow there's a tinge of envy in my heart. it is half a dream. but i know i will never go, can never go and will not want to go, even though it's half a dream. there are liabilities.
maybe that half a dream will turn into a full dream someday. just not anytime soon. i'm not ready. neither is my pocket deep enough. neither am i willing, to leave a love behind.
today is more than fulfilling. haircut check. facial check. met pretty people for lunch check. mahjong session check. lost some money for carmen CHECK. the last part sucks but i like how today is. filled with activities and people.
and now the whole house is a dead quiet and here i am still wide awake, typing louding on my keyboard. i kinda like this lonesome feeling. i kinda like being awake in the middle of a quiet night. sometimes.
someday i want to start my own business. it doesn't have to be big. but i know i will be happy, working hard for myself. to own something. and the next thing. and many other things beyond. i should start working towards that goal.
i can't wait for saturday's tp training. i can't wait. i can't wait. there are too many things i can't wait for...i need to learn to control my excitement and adrenaline. i'm too energetic for my own good sometimes.
mild is never a word for me.
you know what? i can't wait for you to get well.
-cheryl
1:07 AM
Thursday, April 10, 2008
i silently feel the joy engulf my heart when i know how happy i made people feel. =D for the bestest coach i can ever have. and the bestest girlfriend i can ever dream of...
i guess the smiles on those faces are priceless..worthy of all efforts and worries..that's the joy of giving. sometimes it's even better than receiving..
time for me to improve...so much competition, yet even more to come...scary...
dont wanna sit on the bench anymore, worst still, not even be on the bench...
oh well...
-cheryl
1:01 AM
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
就算牵的不是你的手
我真的不难过
不知道在高兴什么
你的笑容
有时候也宁可当作
你在为我加油
不知道在妄想什么
只告诉自己 i believe
你总会找到我
can you feel the distance? cos i can...
deeper meanings. ill intentions. motives. day after day. no one is ever perfect.
i am very tired. especially lately....
goodbye jimmy goodbye. this song keeps replaying in my heart. cos it sounds like goodbye jaime goodbye. i feel sad =(
where's our song?
build a bridge between the distance, the further we go, the longer we have to build...
feeling emotionally detached.
dreams lately seem so fragmented yet maybe its a sign...of more things to come.
goodnight hypocritical world.
-cheryl
12:00 AM
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
this is the most enjoyable league ever and i'm kind of happy and sad that it has ended. i have been benched most of the time, but yet i feel with the team, cheer with the team and i just know we're a team.
there's one person i want to thank and i have. thank you to you, my dearest coach...because of you i have learnt a very precious thing..
to me, a coach is someone who values the goodness in the worst players and acknowledges the weaknesses of the best...
to me, you are all these and more. my most admirable and inspiring coach. i salute and respect you. though i feel a tinge of sadness, that you're no longer going to coach us anymore, i will respect your decision and be thankful that i still have you as my teammate and friend.
i am so proud of carmen for getting the All Star Team Goalie of the year! it was smtg that i wished for when i made the little card for you and it is my dream come true as much as it is yours. i believed in you right from the start and you should always believe in yourself too. you inspire many players in many ways that you don't know of, so never stop shining!
personally it is probably my worst year but yet i don't feel all that upset. being a forward who hasn't scored a single goal or assisted a single goal really kinda sucks but it doesn't matter cos i'm gonna work harder. i was getting too good...too good at warming up the bench.
and now, i am the new vice capt of the team i feel so proud! to be the vice capt of LMFC i didn't even dare to dream about it. i just hope i can live up to it.
floorball aside, i'm so tired lately and there has been so many hiccups lately...sighhhhh
baby get well sooon...
-cheryl
12:20 AM
Friday, April 04, 2008
goodbye england's rose
may you ever grow in our hearts
you were the grace that placed itself
when lives were torn apart
you called out to our country
and you whispered to those in pain
now you belong to heaven
and the stars spell out your name
this song always evoke much feelings in my heart. while i was too young to understand fully the politics of the late princess diana's life, i felt the grief and pain england felt...
today, my little guinea pig, fluffy left us. i witnessed her final moments and sat down to watch her take her last painful breaths. i didn't leave her side, until she took her last breath and her eyelids slowly lost its function and closed ever so slowly. it was so painful to watch, yet i took pictures of her and video-ed her at her deathbed.
fluffy's the sweetest pet ever. she's always so mild tempered, always so responsive and calling out to ask whenever we walked past her cage. she and her partner milky were such a close pair of friends, huddling together, eating and sleeping together, i wonder how milky feels now. lonely, perhaps...
it is hard to deny the aches that i feel, this mild little fluff ball whom i never paid that much attention to, but yet i see her each day and i call her name...listening for her responses, stroking her lovely fluffs of fur...
tonight when i got home and peered into the cage, i missed her presence terribly. seeing only one left. i will miss you dear fluffy and i will remember you, sweet little fluffy.
=( it is hard not to feel choked up. it is hard to deal with the lingering sense of death. and i feel really sad today.
and it seems to me
you lived your life
like a candle in the wind
never fading in the sunset
when the rain set in
and your footsteps will always fall here
along england's greenest hills
your candle's burnt out long before
your legend ever will
-cheryl
12:28 AM
katherine moennig's fucking HOT!
